August was for me.

Well my sabbatical is over and it feels apropos that I write this post on the 13th anniversary of my first day of work at SF. I started at ExactTarget when I was 29 years old, when I knew very little about technology but was confident my skills were transferrable enough to start a career at the darling of Indianapolis. A baker’s dozen of years later, my first sabbatical behind me, and I do honestly feel recharged and excited to be back. The time away, though short, was the best thing I could have done for myself, my mind, my family, and my career.

So what did I do? What did I learn? How do I feel? What am I taking away? Well…let’s dig in. (And I promise I am not a narcissist who assumes the world has been on the edge of their seats waiting for this post and this insight. However, a few have inquired and in the tough economic times we may be approaching, in a crazy post-pandemic world, and for those that also feel burned out, I am happy to open my experience. Maybe it will be helpful for others but if nothing else I like to write so here we go.)

Twenty days. That’s all it was. It sounds like a LOT when you think about taking a vacation or PTO. We aren’t European over here so our vacations look like a Monday-Friday length at best. I quadrupled that. But, as I expected, it FLEW by. Somehow when you do a lot or when you do a little, the time can still speed past you. And I think I did a hybrid of both.

Week one: My daughter didn’t return to school until August 10th, but camps and nanny-coverage had ended so we spent the whole first week together. My husband was also out of town from Sunday-Friday so solo parenting all day and all night is what greeted my first week of sabbatical. Penny and I made the most of it. We did one day of nanny-share where I got to read a book and go to the pool solo, but after that, I drove both my littles up to Oak Park to spend 2 days/nights with my sister-in-law, my niece and nephews. We played. We went to the pool. Had good quality time with family and the kids had an absolute ball. (Man…here I am saying that this month flew by but as I think about that first trip in early August, it seems a million days ago!)

The next week, we had two days before Penny became a first grader and one of those days was a super cool experience where Pen got to be a little kid-model with the Indianapolis Colts Quarterback, Matt Ryan! (Penny now calls him Uncle Matt ❤) This was for Riley Children’s Foundation which is an incredible organization for our city. Luckily, I only called him Matt Kelly on Instagram and not to his face so I didn’t embarrass my dear friend Meghan too much. On Pen’s big day as a first grader, both big sister and little brother wore new backpacks and we walked as a family to school. And it was so lovely that I vowed to walk my little love to school as many days as I can. It’s a great chance for 1:1 time and to start her day off holding hands, talking about the plants we see, playing the “car game,” discussing her friends, and her day ahead. Today she told me “I LOVE first grade. It’s harder than kindergarten but I love a challenge.” My girl.

Once she was back in school, it felt like my sabbatical really began. I loved the extra family time but I didn’t take this time away to be a SAHM. I think my job is hard, but that job, has to be THE HARDEST. Hats off to all the stay at home parents because I am in awe of you.

My next 13 days were full of walking, reading, friends, solo time, and golfing.

When people ask, “What is the best thing coming out of your sabbatical?” it is hard to answer. But my initial inclination is to answer “the walks.” Prior to my mom getting really sick, I was quite dedicated to an intense workout regime. Marathons, crossfit, OrangeTheory, etc….I felt that if I wasn’t destroying myself in a workout, then it wasn’t “working.” Well, last August when things really went off the rails with my mom’s health, I just stopped working out. I couldn’t find the time with work, family and taking care of her and it just wasn’t a priority. I have been meaning to get back into some sort of workout regiment but nothing is sticking. Cue sabbatical. Sure, walking isn’t intense. Most mornings, I would begin walking right after I got the kids to school. Headphones in, podcast or audio book on, and I just walked. And walked. And walked. I started most days with a 5 mile walk and occasionally would add another 2mi. at some point in the day. I also signed back up for Crossfit. It’s been 4 years since I have been a member but though I am only 3 WODS in, I am excited to stick with it at least for another month or so. Granted, I couldn’t walk or get out of bed after those 3 workouts in a row, but it felt good to sweat and it was humbling to get back to those movements. Whereas 75# used to be a cakewalk to clean, I struggled through each one. Back in the day, I could front squat 140# with ease and this month, 103# felt like I was going to collapse. And let’s not get started with how my palms felt being back on the rig! So no, I am not coming out of this month with a whole new body and much stronger fitness, but I feel happy with the movement I did and excited to find a way to keep it up.

Reading — I finished 3 books and have 2 more that I am halfway through. I tend to read fiction but first conquered The Burning: The Tulsa Race Massacre of 1921. This story is what our education did NOT teach us and why Critical Race Theory is so important. The book read like fiction, but sadly is not. It’s haunting and sickening but it is also really important.

I am halfway through The Woman They Cannot Silence— another non fiction book, this one about the marginalization and abuse of women in the 1800s.

I did stick on brand with a few easy reads on audible which were my walking partners throughout the month. And the one that maybe is most out of character for me….a book on Eminem. One of my goals of sabbatical was to study Eminem. I don’t have a great reason why this was a goal? ….but some of his music has really hyped me up over the past few months and I felt compelled to learn more about him. I am about 75% through the book and I am not sure I think highly of this man but I am reserving judgment. I certainly find him and his story fascinating, his art respectful, and gotta keep people on their toes. (Pretty sure the man next to me on the airplane yesterday couldn’t put together me wearing my golf skirt, my Bethpage half-zip, my glass of wine and my Eminem novel.)

Speaking of golf — I golfed a lot! In August alone, I played more than I have played in the past 12+ months and am feeling more confident in my skills. I even purchased a new set of clubs for myself (I had been sharing my husband’s for years!) I drove a ball 225 yards just two weeks ago and felt ready to crush my customer golf outing this week. HAH. That confidence all came to a screeching halt yesterday at Bethpage Black and no matter how much I thought I had improved, that course told me a different story. Humbling!

I did have a couple of trips this past month, in addition to the cousins one. Leading into my last week, I went to Chicago to do a “Golden Getaway” with my best friend since I was 5 and my sister in law. All of us are from Galesburg, IL and have known each other for years. But when you add jobs, children, distance, etc, we haven’t been together like this in over a decade. We laughed until we cried, had 2 nights of sleepovers in matching pajamas, shopping, rooftops and great conversation. That depth and history of friendship cannot be replicated. We promised we will do a version of this trip annually….another thing to come out of this sabbatical.

In addition to two Windy City trips, I also took myself to the Big Apple. The weekend before my return to work, I flew to NYC to have a solo trip before my golf outing on Long Island on Tuesday. I walked and walked (sensing a theme here?) and I bopped around Brooklyn, the Pier, Williamsburg, and spent a healthy amount of time on my hotel’s rooftop. Somehow, I even ended up at (what I can only describe) as a daytime Techno Rave (I thought I was going to sit under yellow umbrellas with a bubbly glass of wine….instead ended up in my new floral pioneer dress watching people in spongy white tennis shoes and mismatched clothing tap their toes to a DJ and wondering what drug they all took because they were all dancing the exact same way!)

Twenty days was a lot and it was a little at the same time. I packed in plenty of activity but I also got real down time. I took showers in the middle of the day. I tried really hard not to shop too much (I wasn’t on the payroll, after all) but also allowed myself some luxuries. My husband was incredibly supportive and didn’t expect that just because I wasn’t working at SF that I should be doing more on the homefront. We kept our evenings and weekends vastly the same and I was able to celebrate both his and Penny’s birthday while not working. I honored what would have been my mom’s birthday in early August and today, which would have been my dad’s 78th.

I did not do a great job of completely checking out of work, as I preferred to stay up to date on emails and slack. But my team was incredible and truly allowed me this space and time. Granted, as one of my colleagues put in meme form, I wasn’t great at staying off the grid.

So what did I feel? Well, all that time not working? Not rushing from one thing to the next? Well little did I know (LIES, I KNEW) led me to feel a lot. Feeling grief and sadness. Questioning my purpose and value. Analyzing my relationship with weight and exercise. Evaluating what value I bring to my career and how to lean into that and find a home where it shines. And questioning why a “normal” day of 11–12 meetings “is just what we do” now post covid.

I felt a lot- more than I am comfortable feeling, if I am being hones. My therapist told me she was shocked I actually took sabbatical (she knows my avoidance tactics very well) but was so thrilled that I did. There were some sad days. Days where I felt bored and untethered. But when those feelings became ‘whelming, I just went on a walk.

What did I take away and what now?

I am going to continue those morning walks every day I can. They truly start my day off feeling centered and productive. They allow time for just me, before I start to fill other people’s cups.

I have to get more control over my calendar.

Laughing until I cry is really good for my soul. Humor me, friends. Humor me hard.

Exercise, which always used to be a means to weight loss, is now about doing good for my body. She has done a lot for me and my genes ain’t great….I need to treat her well, no matter what size of dress I wear.

I acknowledge my incredible support system. The ones that checked in to remind me to truly check out. The friends that were up for golf, a pool, an afternoon happy hour, a trip. I have felt unrooted since my mom died but my friends (and my colleagues that are my friends) are my roots. And like a big oak tree, thanks to them, you can’t knock me down.

Feeling is ok. I feel ALL OF THE TIME for other people. My empathy barometer is quite high but when it comes to me, nah I don’t want those feelings. But feeling, even when it’s hard, is good for me. It makes me human. And you can’t be super human until you are human first. This time was good for feeling and healing.

As for work….I am back! I admit, Monday morning hit me hard. I woke up in NYC and for the first time in twenty days, I had to open my laptop. I first sat down and sent out a slack to my entire team to let them know I am back and can’t wait to dig in. The responses flooding in, energized me. I was so excited to see their faces, hear about their month, read their words. I truly AM happy to be back. I am really excited to take on these last 5 months of the fiscal year.

August 2022: I parented. I bonded. I traveled. I rested. I read. I walked. I golfed. I moved. I laughed. I loved. I cried. I found joy. I found pain. And in it all, I became more wholly me. If you thought I was spunky and passionate and overly-transparent before…hold my prosecco. I just had a sabbatical glow up.